Why are women so often the fall guys?

So, let’s come out and ask: Why do we women sometimes take it?

“I think there is absolutely a sentiment of over-accountability held by women,” says Sarah Bren, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in Westchester, NY. “This may be due to the historical, cultural pressures on women who are expected to tend to the feelings of others while simultaneously not taking up much emotional space of their own. And this kind of emotional martyrdom is typically conditioned quite early in development. Young girls were very explicitly expected to be nice, sweet, gentle, kind, and even meek. Anyone who behaved to the contrary was often shamed quite publicly.”

Ouch. That is tough to hear, but it may well ring true for so many of us. “When I think about my younger years, I honestly feel as if I want to slap some sense into myself!” says Rachel, 51, a technical writer in Seattle. “I remember a male boss screwing up assignments and casually blaming my research, which was not in fact the problem! I sat there and took it for two years. It completely eroded my confidence, but I felt I had no choice. I didn’t dare make a fuss. I wound up taking a lesser position at another firm just to get out of there.”

And it’s not always a male-versus-female situation. Sometimes, women keep quiet when wronged by other females.

“When I was in my 20s, I had a best friend who was pretty wild. Lots of bar-hopping, lots of drinking, lots of parties. At first it was fun, but then it became my mess to clean up. Footing the bill, apologizing for her behavior,” says Colette, 53, a teacher in San Luis Obispo, CA. “And I did it, time and again, as if it was part of the friendship bargain. She was the ‘alpha’ and I was there to follow in her wake and fix things.”

Why look back in anger?

If you can relate to these scenarios and that feeling of lowering yourself or “taking it” when you wished you’d said your piece, now what?

Interestingly, midlife can be primetime to review such past behaviors. “Over-accountability—ruminating on whether one has been good enough, effective enough, or made the right life-decisions—is common,” says Terri Apter, Ph.D., psychologist and Fellow Emeritae of Newnham College, University of Cambridge, in England. It emerges, she says, because age brings sufficient experience to see your life in terms of patterns and ponder how things might have been different had you made other decisions.

While hitting the rewind button may seem futile (cue that voice in your head saying, “You can’t change the past!”), it can serve an important purpose. “Mulling over the rightness or wrongness, wisdom or ignorance in previous choices helps women forge new, better paths through their futures,” explains Dr. Apter.

The challenge, she says, is not to wallow in self-blame, regret, and even despair, sentiments which can commonly rise to the surface. The shifting lens of society can contribute to and intensify these feelings.

“The #metoo movement really made me kinda hate my younger self, seeing how empowered women are today,” says Rachel, whose male boss blamed her for his professional missteps. “I felt like, ‘Wow, I am really someone who lets others trample all over me.’ It made me see myself in a really bad light.”